That night, I finally took a serious look at myself — my awakening with the rose bud toy

My name is Samantha, I am 38 years old and live in the old town of Portland. It is always humid and rainy here, and there are often water drops on the glass windows of the coffee shop on the corner. I am a freelance photographer. My work isn’t too demanding, but life isn’t exactly exciting either. To be honest, I’m used to being alone and the kind of emptiness you don’t really talk about.

I am not against self-pleasure, but I have never taken it seriously. I have used several adult toys before, but I didn't stick to it. It's not because they are bad, but because I always feel that those experiences are too rough, like completing tasks, and there is no meaning. Until one day, a friend mentioned "rose bud toy." She didn't say much, just said lightly: "It's really different."

I didn't take it seriously at the time, but subconsciously clicked on the link she sent. The page is vibelush, the layout is very simple, and there are no exaggerated promotional words. I remember that when I clicked on the picture, I was stunned. That little thing, shaped like a budding rose, pink and clean, completely broke my inherent impression of sex toys.

I didn't place an order immediately that day, but the "flower" remained in my mind. A few days later, I still bought one secretly.

I was not sure at first

The packaging was very low-key when it was sent, without embarrassing logos. I was even a little nervous when I opened it, just like the first time I received a letter from a boy I had a crush on in high school.

The rose bud toy itself is smaller than I thought, and it even feels like an aromatherapy lamp in my hand. I noticed that its edges are rounded, without any sharp or abrupt parts. It feels good to touch, not the kind of cold plastic feeling, but a soft, delicate material with a little warmth.

Honestly, I felt a little awkward the first time I used it. I didn't know where to start, and I didn't have much expectation. I just wanted to see what magic this thing that looks "so gentle" has.

As a result, it really didn't make me "what happened immediately". But it slowly made me start to pay attention to the feelings I had never noticed before: my breathing, the tension of my skin, the response of my body. Its sucking rhythm is not like the industrial high-frequency stimulation, but more like someone breathing in rhythm, leaning in close, gently teasing.

I didn't orgasm that night. But for the first time, without anyone's company, I felt that my body was alive and responding to me. That experience completely changed my mind.

The second time, I was ready

I tried it again on a lazy afternoon. I closed the curtains and turned my phone to silent. The only sound in the room was the ticking of the clock on the wall.

I did foreplay very seriously, as if I was going to meet an important person. I took a shower, applied body lotion, and even chose a French playlist I liked.

This time I was not nervous, nor did I rush myself. I just gently let the rose bud toy approach me and closed my eyes.

It's hard for me to describe what happened next. It's not the kind of explosion that rushes to the sky, but a deep flow that is gradually drawn in. It seemed to guide me, not manipulate me. Each gentle suction seemed to ask me: "Is this OK?"
Then my body started responding on its own.

I couldn't even believe that I could experience the pleasure of pushing forward layer by layer. The climax did not come all at once, it was like the waves, one after another. When I opened my eyes, nearly an hour had passed.

At that moment, I just wanted to lie quietly. It was not exhaustion, but a deep sense of satisfaction. At that moment, I didn't feel lonely, but I felt like I was hugged by myself.

That flower was actually myself

I later realized that the name of the rose bud toy was not just nice. It is called "bud", which means a bud, not a blooming flower. That means it is a beginning, not an end.

Women of our generation have been taught to be well-behaved and decent since childhood, and the topic of sex has always been hidden under the table. For a long time, I felt that pleasure comes from others, not from myself.

But the rose bud toy showed me that I can decide when to "bloom" and when to be quiet. It will not urge you or control you, it just silently matches your rhythm. Even if you’re not in the mood to finish, it’s there with you anyway — just quietly being there.

This isn’t about shame — it’s about freedom

I remember chatting with another female friend once, and she asked me: "Don't you feel lonely using this thing?"
I said, no, it's just the opposite.
I have never felt so complete as I do now.

During the time I used the rose bud toy, I learned something very important: sex is not a transaction, nor is it a tool to prove that I am "worthy of being loved". It is a kind of energy, a connection, a very personal and private language.

Vibelush does not "teach you how to be sexy" like many brands do, but quietly puts a tool in your hand and lets you find the answer yourself. This makes me feel comfortable and safe, and makes me willing to slowly explore those parts that I have ignored in the past.

If you are also hesitant, give yourself a chance

I won't say that rose bud toy is suitable for everyone, but I know that it is a gentle and firm transformation for me.

If you are a little uncertain about your body and a little unfamiliar with pleasure like I was in the past, then start by not being harsh on yourself. You can not use it at the beginning, just touch it and feel its texture.
You can even just let it lie on the bedside to remind yourself: you’re allowed to explore — on your own terms.

We don't need to prove how sexy we are, nor do we need to "become better" to deserve pleasure. We just need to give ourselves a chance on an ordinary day — to start over, to use a flower to find the most authentic voice of the body.

Postscript:

The me who ordered rose bud toy in Portland in winter is no longer here.
Now I no longer define loneliness as "alone", and no longer feel that pleasing myself is embarrassing.
That rose did not bloom at the head of my bed, it bloomed in the most gentle corner of my heart.