That night, I didn’t turn on the lights—my experience using the rose toy

I'm Lena, 39, living in Seattle. My work and life are relatively stable. My friends say I'm lukewarm, probably because I don't tend to talk much. Sometimes my days pass like an unwritten note—neat, but blank. Often, I forget the last time I truly paid attention to my health.

I've actually known about rose toy for a long time. I've seen it online more than once or twice; the flower design is so recognizable. But I never clicked on the link. I always felt like it had nothing to do with me, like some gadget only young girls could play with. I wasn't even sure if it vibrated or worked in some other way.

One day, I got home very late from work. When I got home, my key wouldn't go into the lock. My hands were shaking, and I realized I was exhausted. That night, I couldn't sleep, my mind a jumble of thoughts. It was past one in the morning when I finally opened the vibelush website.

I was actually quite calm when I placed my order; without much thought, I just ordered the pink one. The packaging didn't have the product name on it, which I appreciated.

It's smaller and softer than I'd imagined.
I'd always thought something like this would be a little intimidating, but it turned out to be quite lovely in my hand. It's very light, and the color is so gentle. When I turned it on, I was stunned for a moment—it wasn't a sudden vibration, but rather a sort of... gentle suction sensation. It felt like something was gently testing you, making you instinctively want to retreat, but then unable to resist moving closer.

I didn't read the instructions. I just figured it out as I went. After long-pressing it to turn on, I tried to bring it close to my body, adjusting the angle twice before finding the right position. I didn't press it directly against my body, but kept a slight distance, as if waiting for my body to prepare.

It has so many modes; I lost count. It took me several presses before I found the rhythm that felt "right." The feeling was unlike anything I'd experienced before. It wasn't that instant, intense stimulation, but a slowly enveloping feeling, like a hand gently pulling you in.

I barely made a sound when I climaxed. My body just shuddered, then paused for a moment, and it took me a few seconds to realize what I had just experienced. I lay in bed, my heartbeat slow. I didn't cry, but my eyes were wet.

Later, I learned a few tips that you might find helpful:

When using it for the first time, don’t use it on the highest setting. There’s really no need. The gentler setting actually relaxes your body more.

If you have lubricant, use a little, but not too much. Otherwise, it may not hold firmly and could interrupt the rhythm.

Everyone's sensitive spots are different. It took me a while to find the right spot at first. Be patient.

Don’t have overly high expectations. Not every time will end in fireworks. Just treat it like a moment to connect with your body.

I later realized that it wasn’t that I didn’t need happiness, but that I hadn’t allowed myself to experience it in a long time.

For me, the rose toy is more like a reminder. It reminds me that I’m more than just responsibilities and schedules, or just rationality and self-discipline. I still have a body that deserves care and pleasure.

I don’t use it every day now, nor do I consider it a "replacement." It’s just a small object in my life, like a small lamp at night or a cup for brewing tea. Its presence reminds me not to constantly look outward, but to sometimes look inward.

I kept wondering: how to use the rose toy properly, and if I was even doing it right. 
Actually, there aren’t any special steps. Turn it on, get close, find the right position, adjust the rhythm, and then let your body speak for itself.

If you're constantly trying to be “reliable,” “organized,” and “someone who doesn’t need comfort” in the eyes of others, then I want to say, give yourself a chance.

Turn off the lights and turn off the noise, even for just ten minutes. Your body will tell you a lot, if you're willing to listen.